


Gas Stations and Paintings

by boyofscissors



Category: The Outsiders (1983), The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Chest Binding, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, dally is alive, failed suicide attempts, gay dally, gay ponyboy, gay sodapop, johnny is alive, probably trash, so many tags wow, trans!ponyboy, trans!ponyboy curtis, unspecified eating disorders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17005971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyofscissors/pseuds/boyofscissors
Summary: Everything's fine and dandy, ain't it?Dandy until you realize you're alone.





	1. Little Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Most of these events are based on my experiences with being ftm transgender, depression, anxiety disorders, (undiagnosed) eating disorder(s), (again, undiagnosed) body/gender dysmorphia/dysphoria, self harm, and basically everything in the tags. If something in the tags makes you think this work will trigger you, PLEASE don't read because I really don't want to hurt anyone, because I hurt so many already.

“Damn…” Ponyboy sighed. The bandages were digging into his ribs and rubbed his skin, making it feel like it was burning. He knew he would end up seeing more bruises that around his ribs and chest later.

“You ‘kay, buddy?”

_ tootightcan’tbreatheohgloryi’mgonnasuffocate. _

“Little buddy?”

“Huh?” 

Ponyboy had zoned out while cleaning the dishes, forgetting he was having a conversation with Two-Bit. Darry had made dinner for the whole gang, right before leaving with Soda and Steve to go muck around and keep them from getting arrested for the night. Two-Bit was supposed to be helping clean the table with Ponyboy, but like he was ever going to do what he’s told.

“Are you okay?”, Two-Bit repeated himself, “You seem a bit outta breath.”

Ponyboy turned to face Two-Bit, who was sitting on the countertop.

“Yeah, I’m good.”, Ponyboy offered a grin to, hopefully, convince him.

“Hmm…”, Two-Bit gave the fourteen-year-old a glare, but returned his eyes to his new switchblade he had nicked a few days ago, “Well, as I was sayin’, when I had swiped this beauty here…”

Ponyboy honestly didn't care at all what Two-Bit was saying, he just turned back to the sink to finish cleaning the dishes. He tried to even out his breathing to hide his near-hyperventilation. It hurt for him to breathe deeply because he had wrapped the bandages around his chest probably five times too tightly than he should have. Ponyboy knew he shouldn’t be using bandages to bind, but wearing sports bras didn’t have the same effect that bandages have. They didn’t bind and flatten his chest like bandages did, and bandages were easier and cheaper to get.

“So, Pony, wanna go visit ol’ Dally and Johnny? We haven't seen them in a few days.” Two-Bit jumped off the counter and grabbed his leather jacket, not waiting a second for Ponyboy to answer. Two-Bit was hollering for the younger boy to hurry up and get his jacket on before Ponyboy had even found both his shoes. The sudden increase in activity wasn’t doing Ponyboy’s already difficult breathing any favors.

“God, Two-Bit. Johnny and Dally aren’t gonna go anywhere! Just wait a second!”, Ponyboy weezed as he shut the front door. He hoped to Jesus that Two-Bit wouldn't notice his worsening breathing patterns.

“Ya know what, Pony? I’ve never met a kid mouthier than you.”, the older greaser punched the younger’s shoulder. 

“I ain’t no kid.”, Ponyboy grumbled as they walked to the hospital. Well, to Ponyboy, it didn't feel like just  _ walking _ . It felt like someone was squeezing all the air from his lungs while he’s trying to run a mile in a minute.

“Even when you’re Darry’s age, you’ll still be a kid to us.”, Two-Bit ruffled Ponyboy’s still-bleached hair, the roots were brown again, though.

They didn’t talk too much the closer they got to the hospital, but that was mainly because Ponyboy couldn’t really keep conversations going. He just couldn’t. Sure, yeah, he could talk to Cherry about the sunsets, and to Johnny about books and movies, but that’s because he’s passionate about them. He didn’t really have  _ conversations _ , per se, but had rants and tangents about movies, books, or sunsets. And, he didn’t ever have any of these rants around the rest of the gang or his brothers because he was scared the gang would think he was a freak, or his brothers think he was high or something. It sounds crazy, but it made perfect and logical sense in Ponyboy’s head.

As the entered the hospital, Two-Bit made his way to Dally’s room, not Johnny’s.

“What are you doing? We have to see Johnny first. That’s how we do it.”, Ponyboy stood in the middle of the hallway.

“We’ll just see him after Dally. He ain’t going nowhere, Pony!”, Two-Bit laughed.

“But we always see Johnny before Dally.”, Ponyboy’s voice was deadpanned and dull, as if he couldn’t think. He felt tears developing in his eyes.

“Are you crying?”, Two-Bit took a step closer, but he wasn’t laughing; he was serious.

“We see Johnny before Dallas, not the other way!”, Ponyboy shouted, frozen where he stood in the hallway. He wasn’t looking at Two-Bit anymore, but staring in the distance, his eyes dull and unfocused.

“Pony, calm down!”, nurses and doctors were starting to look and watch them, but Ponyboy didn’t give a damn. He didn't even know they were looking at them.

“We-we-we see Johnny first. We see Dally after. Not the other way around. We can't!”, Ponyboy was shouting at the top of his lungs, panicked and he didn't know why. He didn't even know he was shouting. It was like he wasn't in control; like he was asleep and dreaming.

“Ponyboy!”, Two-Bit shouted, his hands on Ponyboy’s shoulders.

“No-no! We see Johnny first!”

“Ponyboy Curtis!”

“WE SEE JOHNNY FIRST.”

“PONYBOY CURTIS!”

Two-Bit shook Ponyboy, snapping Ponyboy out of his mind. Ponyboy closed his eyes, embarrassed that he had done that in front of Two-Bit.

“Pony, what in hell was that?!”, Two-Bit held Ponyboy’s head up to force him to make eye-contact. Ponyboy didn't reply.

“I’m taking you back to the house. I’m gettin’ Darry and Soda.”, Two-Bit’s voice was gentle, not wanting to scare Ponyboy with the threaten to get his brothers.

Ponyboy didn't care Two-Bit was going to get Darry. He didn’t care anymore. Darry would understand, or at least try to. Ponyboy just nodded, allowing Two-Bit to walk him out and back to the house.

  
  


“Ponyboy, what happened? Did it happen again? How bad was it?”, Darry was asking more questions too fast for Ponyboy to answer.

“He was just acting like a broken record. What in hell is that?”, Two-Bit asked Darry.

Ponyboy was sitting on the couch in front of the television in the Curtis boys’ house. Darry was kneeled in front of the younger, and Two-Bit stood to Ponyboy’s right shouting at Darry. Sodapop was sitting to Ponyboy’s left, his arm around him comforting.

“Ponyboy, what happened?”, Darry had calmed himself enough to demand one answer from Ponyboy.

“Two-Bit wanted to see Dally first.”, Ponyboy mumbled, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“I don't understand. Why would that bother you?”, Darry was obviously not going to ever understand Ponyboy.

“We see Johnny first, but we were going to see Dally first, instead. We can't do that. I can't...deal with it. I can't do that.”, Ponyboy was getting embarrassed.

“Oh, okay. And that’s what caused your episode?”

Ponyboy nodded.

“What the hell is goin’ on?”, Two-Bit hollered.

“Do you want to explain it to him?”, Darry whispered to Ponyboy.

“Two, I...I have...episodes. Anxiety episodes. Things...bother me, and when I can’t deal with ‘em, I break down. I repeat things, I wring my hands...and...sometimes, hurt...myself...”, Ponyboy couldn’t control the tears rolling freely from his eyes, and he didn't bother brushing them away. He rolled up his jeans to his knee, showing the scars on his legs, some obviously new and fresher than others.

“God, Pony. I didn't know. I’m sorry, man. Does anyone else know?”, Two-Bit asked Ponyboy, who was violently shaking.

“No. And don't you dare tell ‘em!”, Ponyboy finally looked up from the floor and to Two-Bit.

“I-I won’t !”, Two-Bit raised his hands in mock-defense.

“Please don't tell them. They’ll think I’m insane.”

 

After making sure Ponyboy was past his anxiety attack, he went back to the hospital to see Dally and Johnny, after promising Ponyboy to see Johnny first and Dallas second.

“God, Pony. You’re medication’s supposed to take care of this stuff. Are you taking your pills?”, Darry demanded while he went to get Ponyboy water from the kitchen.

“Yeah, I am.”, Ponyboy lied. He wasn’t taking his pills. They didn't work, at all. They didn’t do anything to him.

“I trust you, buddy. I let you make sure you take them instead of  _ me _ making you. Are you sure you take ‘em? One pill every morning?”, Darry gave Ponyboy the glass of water, sitting down to Ponyboy’s right.

“Are you?”, Soda piped up.

“Yes, I am! Now would ya leave me alone? I’m not crazy!”, Ponyboy stood up and stormed off to the bedroom. He slammed the door, leaving Darry and Sodapop in the living room.

Ponyboy worked his way to his desk, grabbing his beaten-up copy of  _ The Great Gatsby _ . He flipped through it, and pulled out a small plastic baggie of white pills. He threw the book down on the desk, and compulsively counted the amount of pills that were in the bag. He used to just throw the pills away every morning when he was supposed to take them. Ponyboy counted sixteen pills.

_ “Nine more.” _ , Pony thought to himself,  _ “Nine more days and I’ll be free.”, _ the young teen shoved the bag back into the book, and set the book back on the desk.

Pony pulled off his shirt, and threw off the bandages that wrapped his chest. He made sure to hide the bandages so his brothers wouldn’t bother him about using bandages to bind. He put on sweatpants and a loose shirt that used to be Darry’s. Ponyboy flopped himself on to the bed, falling asleep with one thought in his head.

_ “Nine more.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is reference to suicidal thoughts, unsafe chest binding, anxiety attacks, and self-harm. Do not read if any of these trigger you.


	2. Time For Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kind of a mess...tell me what you want fixed if you think it needs to be improved, and I will correct/improve the chapters.  
> thank you for support and feedback. see you all on the flip-side.
> 
> **author's note - holy jesus christ it has been over two months since I put out chapter two. I'm writing chapter three through five right now and I will be releasing them pretty soon, but no promises. school gets in the way, but I will try**

“Hey, buddy, time to wake up.”, Sodapop shook Ponyboy’s shoulders lightly. Sodapop had chosen to let Ponyboy have the whole room to himself last night to calm himself down after his anxiety attack and his explosion at Darry and Soda. Sodapop was kneeling on the floor next to the bed, waiting for Ponyboy to wake up, or at least stir. Ponyboy stayed motionless and asleep.

“Pony?”, Sodapop felt heat rising in his throat. Ponyboy was usually a light sleeper, ever since he came back from the church in Windrixville. Panicked thoughts rushed through Soda’s mind. He was always worried something might happen to one of his brothers. But he knew Pony almost never took his medication, and Sodapop didn't want to push Pony into doing something he didn't want to do (or just  _ couldn’t  _ do). But, what he didn't ever seem to figure out, he didn't know what Ponyboy actually  _ did  _ with his pills; he never saw the little white Lexapro circles in the trash can or see Ponyboy drop them down the kitchen sink drain, but pills did leave the medication bottle. 

_ “What if he overdosed? He can't be dead, can he? It’s all my fault.” _ , all the thoughts went through Sodapop’s head at once. He instinctively put his hand under Ponyboy’s nose and mouth. Sodapop was relieved to feel that Ponyboy was still breathing.

“Soda, did you get Pony up yet?”, Darry shouted from the kitchen. He was making breakfast before leaving for work, like he did almost everyday.

“Uh, yeah, I’m gettin’ him up.”, Sodapop tried to sound as nonchalant as he could, but he felt panic shaking his voice. He tried shaking Ponyboy’s shoulders again, more violently than his last attempts, this time resulting in Ponyboy murmuring something about a train and swatting Sodapop’s hand away and off his shoulder. 

Sodapop wanted to cry. He wanted to wrap his arms around his baby brother and never let him go. He didn't, of course; greasers don't do stuff like that. But he wouldn't know what he would do if he woke up to Ponyboy dead. They’ve lost too much already.

“Hmm...did I oversleep?”, Ponyboy asked, still groggy from sleep.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did,” Sodapop hid the tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks.

 

“Hey, Darry,” Ponyboy greeted Darry as he walked into the kitchen after changing into street clothes, and of course, binding with the bandages.

Ponyboy walked to the table and grabbed himself a plate. He never really felt hungry anymore, not after Windrixville, at least. He just ate when other people ate, but if he was alone, he didn't bother eating. It just wasn't something he thought about anymore. Well, that’s a lie. He would think about it constantly, about how he thought he was fat and that he ate too much, even though he knew he ate less than he probably should. And Darry bugged him about how, two months after coming back from the church, he still hadn’t gained the weight back he had lost, and continued to lose more.

In front of him on the table was all the breakfast foods he used to enjoy; biscuits, bacon, toast, eggs, pancakes, and the goddamn chocolate cake. Ponyboy sat, empty plate in front of him, staring at the food. Nothing looked appetizing, even though he knew he needed to start eating more than a few hundred calories a day. Next to him, Soda had sat down and started eating the bacon, a mountain of pancakes, and cake, which was a combination that subtlety revolted Ponyboy. Darry had been eating and reading the newspaper, probably looking for whether or not one of the Shepard brothers had been arrested again. Ponyboy surveyed the food, settling on an apple and a single piece of plain toast.

“You need to eat more than that, Pony,” Darry commanded over the newspaper.

“I am eating,” Ponyboy argued, like he had a chance Darry would drop it.

“You need to eat more,” Darry put down the paper and looked at Ponyboy intently. Sodapop, his mouth full, looked from Ponyboy, to Darry, to Ponyboy.

“I’m not hungry,” Ponyboy set down his one-third-eaten biscuit.

“Pony, I ain’t mucking around with you. If you don’t eat more, you’ll end as thin as a stick and won’t be able to try out for track. Do you want to end up like them skinny people in the hospital? I care too much about you to watch you just fade away like that!”, Darry said sternly, slamming his palm on the table in front of him, making both Sodapop and Ponyboy nearly jump out of their skins.

_ “Well, damn. Darry’s about to cry,” _ Ponyboy thought to himself.

“I’m not mucking around. I’m just not hungry!”, Ponyboy lied. In truth, his stomach hurt with hunger. He only teased his stomach with the amount of food he ate.

“Darry’s right, Pony. You’ve gotten awfully thin. I can almost count your ribs through your shirt,” Sodapop remarked to his little brother. Ponyboy ignored him, agitated that Soda would turn on him and agree with Darry.

Darry stared at Ponyboy, and Ponyboy stared back. Darry’s eyes welled with tears that refused to fall, which made Ponyboy feel sorry, but still not sorry enough to back down and eat. What felt like hours or even days later, Darry sighed and slouched down in his chair tiredly.

“Fine. Two-Bit’s gonna be here in a few to take you and go visit Johnny and Dally. They’re probably pissed that they didn't see you last week.”

 

When Two-Bit came over, he came running in and slamming the door like he always does. He ran to the kitchen, finding the Curtis brothers sitting at the table. Sodapop sat there quiet, eating the cake that was on his plate. Darry looked as if he were having a staring contest with Ponyboy, but as soon as he heard Two-Bit thundering down the hall.

“Hey, Two. Help Pony clear the table, then you two can go down to Johnny and Dallas.”, Darry’s voice was sturn. He stood up, leaving the newspaper and his plate on the table.

“You better get dressed, Soda, or we’ll be late for work.”, Sodapop got up from the table and sprinted to get his work clothes on.

As Darry and Sodapop left for work (Soda forgetting shoes, yet again, but Two-Bit decided it would be funnier if he didn't say anything, so he ended up going to the gas station with bare feet), Two-Bit picked up a few of the plates and started talking about a few Soc girls he had seen on the way over. He stopped mid-sentence when he realized Ponyboy was still sitting at the table, staring at his nearly-empty plate.

“Man, what’s wrong? Did Darry yell?”, Two-Bit sat down next to Ponyboy, where Soda previously sat.

“Yeah, but it’s nothin’. Don’t tell the others that I’m crying. Steve would never let it drop.”, Two-Bit hadn’t even noticed the tears on Ponyboy’s cheeks until he pointed them out. Two-Bit wondered vaguely if the younger greaser had been crying the whole time.

“What was it about?”, Two-Bit asked, trying his hardest not to sound like he was pushing Ponyboy to say something that he wasn’t comfortable talking about.

“I said it was nothin’! Can we just go see Johnny and Dally?”, Ponyboy rushed to his feet, quickly wiping his tears away with his jacket sleeves.  

 

The walk to the hospital was the most uncomfortable this Ponyboy had ever been through. They walked in silence with heavy tension. Two-Bit had seen Ponyboy at his lowest twice in a matter of day, and Ponyboy was sure Two-Bit would only treat him like a baby now that he knows how fragile Ponyboy can be at times. The painful silence was finally broken by Two-Bit, asking a question Ponyboy was not excited about answering.

“How long have you been havin’...issues?”

Ponyboy didn't answer. He didn’t want to and it was none of Two-Bit’s damn business. 

“Pony, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve asked.”, Two-Bit shoved his hands in his jeans pockets, slouching a bit more.

“It’s okay. Let’s just not talk about it.”, Ponyboy watched as the golden leaves of autumn fell around them, making the walk feel almost dream-like. The only thing that didn't feel dream-like was the painful feeling of the bandages wrapped around his chest. God, did they hurt.

“Are you gonna try out for track next year?”, Two-Bit asked, changing the subject.

“I dunno. Maybe.”, Ponyboy shrugged.

“Just don’t hurt yourself, you know, with flattening your chest while running. Darry always gets concerned when you do that. He’s afraid you’re gonna end up breaking a rib or something. He knows you use bandages, by the way, instead of sports bras or whatever you tell him you wear. I know you know this, but, he really cares about you. He cares so deeply for you, he wishes he could make everything wrong right for you. That’s why he yells at you and is harsh. Don't forget about ‘im.”, Two-Bit knocked his elbow into Ponyboy’s shoulder.

For the remainder of the walk to the hospital Ponyboy kept his head down and his hands in the pockets of the leather jacket he had gotten for his fourteenth birthday. Two-Bit’s words mulled over in his head while he watched his feet walking on the sidewalk, wondering why people couldn’t just leave him alone.   

 

“How ya been, Johnny?”, Ponyboy asked.

“Why didn’t you come last time? I had to deal with Two-Bit all by myself.”, Johnny laughed.

“He wasn't feel too well. And what’s wrong with hangin’ with me? Too much trouble for ya?”, Two-Bit slouched in the doorway, a sly grin on his face.

“He’s always too much trouble.”, Ponyboy and Johnny laughed. Ponyboy loved the way Johnny’s eyes lit up at his remark. He couldn’t help but stare at Johnny.

“I’m gonna go ahead and visit Dally now, if that’s fine with you, Pony?”, Two-Bit asked, Ponyboy answering with a nod. Two-Bit nodded back and slid out the door to see their other friend.

“Howya been, Pony?”, Johnny asked, his dark eyes filled with concern.

“I-I’ve been good, Johnny. Seriously.”, Ponyboy smiled. Johnny obviously believed him about as much as he liked girls: not at all.

“Pony, please tell--”

Johnny started coughing profoundly, and violently. Ponyboy stared at him, paralyzed in fear. He couldn’t breathe. His thoughts racing.  _ He’s dying. It’s your fault, bitch. Can't breathe. What's happening to him. Can't breathe. Can't fucking breathe. _

“Oh, shit.”, a nurse sighed, who had came in to investigate Johnny’s coughing.

“He’s just havin’ a coughing-fit. He’s fine, don't worry.”, the nurse told Ponyboy as she sat Johnny up. Ponyboy noticed the prominent scars on Johnny’s burned back.

“D-does he, uh, have those a lot? The fits?”, Ponyboy asked the nurse, who laid Johnny back down, who had fainted moments after his fit.

“Sometimes. It’s probably just his lungs trying to heal from the smoke and ash he inhaled in that fire. It'll go away in a few weeks I’m sure.”, the nurse walked out of the room, after patting Ponyboy’s shoulder and giving him a warm smile.

“Well, I’ll see you later, Johnnycakes.”, Ponyboy told Johnny’s unconscious body, kissing his forehead briefly. 


	3. Home

The day Johnny was discharged from the hospital, the greasers gathered outside the hospital and watched as the tan, dark haired boy walked out. The sixteen-year-old walked out of the building after signing himself out, carrying a single backpack that was filled simply with a few jeans and t-shirts, and his copy of  _ Gone With The Wind _ . 

He was considerably less thin and boney as he had been when he was first admitted a few months before, since he was actually fed at the hospital, unlike his normal homelife. Ponyboy noticed his weight gain, and even though he hated himself for this, he was happy that he was finally thinner than Johnny. Pony didn't love himself for it, but he felt that way regardless. 

“Johnnycake!”, Ponyboy jumped at him and pulled the sixteen-year-old into the fourteen-year-old’s arms, causing Johnny to drop his bag.

Johnny, Ponyboy, Two-Bit, Sodapop, Steve, and Darry were standing together in front of the hospital. Soda had his arm around Steve’s shoulders, a cigarette resting from the latter’s relaxed lips. Darry was leaning against one of the building’s walls, grinning at Johnny. Two-Bit was swinging a beer around, gleefully playing around and celebrating Johnny’s release.

“Hey, Pony. you act like you haven't seen me in a decade,” Johnny laughed, prying Ponyboy off of him.

“Sure damn feels like it,” Ponyboy said.

“How’s Dally? ‘Know when he’ll be released?” Steve asked Johnny, his cig now in between his fingers, changing the subject.

“Nurses say he can't be released until he’s mentally stable. He’s had a few psychotic episodes. Keeps screaming about the fire ‘n shit about New York. I visited him last night to tell him the I’d be released, ‘n his wrists were strapped to his bed,” Johnny huffed, looking down at his feet, “God, I need a smoke.”

“Here, man,” Darry tossed Johnny a pack and a lighter from his jeans pocket.

“You okay, Johnny?” Ponyboy noticed Johnny’s hand shaking as he struggled to light his cigarette.

“‘Course. Just a bit nervous,” Johnny grinned at Pony, “So, how much have my parents been complainin’ about me?”

“They’re pissed, but you can live with us. Fuck them,” Ponyboy hissed.

“Watch it, Pony. But you are free to come and stay with us, Johnny,” Darry offered.

“I’ll only stay a few days. I’m gonna try to find myself a more permanent place to stay, like an apartment or somethin’,” Johnny grabbed his bag and the group of boy started walking back to the Curtis’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be taking a hiatus because someone close to me recently died. I'm really sorry the chapter is so short. I'm sorry I never upload.


End file.
